


How Charlie Lost Mac

by Masterofkarate



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: (aka chardee as of time's up), Alcohol, Drug Use, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Non-con mention, One-Sided Relationship, Slurs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-22 14:53:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16600055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Masterofkarate/pseuds/Masterofkarate
Summary: “We’re what? We’re not fucking boyfriends, Charlie, we’re not faggots! We’re normal, understand?” Mac yelled at him in a way that he never yelled at Charlie before. Charlie felt his shoulders drop, he wanted to shrink in on himself, he wanted to disappear. He felt so stupid for even thinking they were boyfriends.They stopped kissing each other after that. By the time they were thirteen, Mac insisted one of them sleep on the floor when they slept over, saying they were getting too old to share a bed. Mac was more outwardly against queers and started having crushes on every girl in school.----------------------A brief overview of how Charlie & Mac's ever-evolving and complicated relationship from Charlie's perspective.(in which Charlie has been in love with Mac since they were kids, but it never quite worked out that way)





	How Charlie Lost Mac

Charlie is twelve when he starts to lose Mac. When it happens, he doesn’t just feel sad. He feels stupid, stupider than he’s ever felt in his whole life. And it’s Mac, of all people, who makes him feel stupid.  _ Mac _ , his best friend, who always tells Charlie how he’s secretly smarter than everybody else. The only person that makes Charlie feel whole and normal. 

But it is Mac who makes him feel stupid. They’re both twelve, they’re standing in a dumpster in the alley, behind one of his neighbor’s house. They frequented this particular dumpster because these neighbors always threw out leftover pizza and Mac said that if the slice didn’t have any bites in it, it was okay to eat. 

So, they’re bent over on opposites sides of the dumpster, digging through the trash. There was no good pizza, but that didn’t mean they wouldn’t be able to find a cool toy or something neat to light on fire.

Charlie had something on his mind for a few days now, but he hadn’t brought it up. He was worried, so worried that talking to Mac made him nervous. And that meant it was extreme, because he and Mac could talk about anything. 

“Hey Mac?” Charlie asked as he turned and flopped down on one of the garbage bags, sitting down so he could force himself to relax a bit as he looked at Mac.

“What’s up?” Mac turned around to face Charlie, crossing his arms.

“You know that guy who lives at the end of my street with his brother?”

“You mean the queers?”

“Yeah, yeah, I thought they were brothers, but they’re not,” Charlie answered with a shrug.

“What about them?” Mac sounded a little angry already. That made Charlie nervous, but he already started, so he’s got to finish.

“The tall one’s been in the hospital and my mom said he got the gay disease, you know the disease with the letters in it, and I was wondering, like, do you think we have that?” Charlie’s gaze dropped to his lap. He picked up an empty can, crunching it in his hands.

“What the hell, Charlie? No, we don’t have HIV! Why would you think that?”

“Because we’re boyfriends,” Charlie whispered.

“We’re what? We’re not fucking boyfriends, Charlie, we’re not faggots! We’re normal, understand?” Mac yelled at him in a way that he never yelled at Charlie before. Charlie felt his shoulders drop, he wanted to shrink in on himself, he wanted to disappear. He felt so stupid for even thinking they were boyfriends.

They stopped kissing each other after that. By the time they were thirteen, Mac insisted one of them sleep on the floor when they slept over, saying they were getting too old to share a bed. Mac was more outwardly against queers and started having crushes on every girl in school.

* * *

 

It’s not until they’re seventeen that Charlie repeats the same mistake. Charlie had to wait until they were drunk and high in Mac’s bedroom to even get near the topic. 

Mac is talking about this hot chick he was making out with last weekend, which Charlie knew wasn’t true, but he let Mac talk. The topic of sex was up, so that was awesome, it made it easier on Charlie to bring it up.

“You know Stacy Corvelli, yeah?” Charlie asked before taking a swig of vodka straight from the bottle as Mac nodded in acknowledgement. “We made out the other day, and she started groping me and shit.”

“Sweet, dude, how far did you go?”

“I stopped, dude.”

“Why?”

“I’ve been thinking, like, if I’m going to like do it with somebody, I don’t think I want Stacy Corvelli to be the first person I bang.”

“Why the hell not? She’s hot, dude!”

“I want it to be you,” Charlie whispered.

And then Mac yelled at Charlie again. Almost an identical rant to the one from five years earlier. Charlie didn’t shrink down, he didn’t feel stupid, he just went numb. He was completely on autopilot, barely breathing or blinking. He let Mac yell at him. He let Mac storm out of the house and walk home.

Mac started hanging out with Dennis even more often after that. He stopped holding Charlie’s hand completely, even when one of them was really upset. Mac had sex with as many girls that would say yes after that, telling Charlie about each venture in detail. 

Neither of them ever mentioned this conversation again.

* * *

 

Time passed. Charlie did have sex with Stacy Corvelli. After high school, he didn’t sleep with anybody. He didn’t date anybody. He didn’t want to date anybody, didn’t think about it.

Then, when they were having coffee one morning (well, early afternoon) Mac mentioned that the coffee shop waitress was giving Charlie flirty eyes. She seemed easy enough to pursue. She was not, but that made it even better. Charlie could focus his romantic feelings towards somebody else. Feelings that would never be returned, which was comfortable for Charlie. That’s what love was. One-sided, painful, pitiful. 

This was when Charlie started to let go of Mac.

* * *

 

Charlie doesn’t think about Mac that way for a long time. Not actively. They’re best buds. Mac doesn’t yell at him for being gay, because Charlie is not gay. Charlie is normal, just like Mac. And that’s okay.

And then they’re thirty. It had been eighteen years since they kissed. And they hire a bunch of hookers with Frank’s money. And they spend more time focused on each other than the beautiful women surrounding them. 

This was the second time Charlie had sex. And it was with Mac. And it was perfect and it was fun and loud and gentle and perfect. Mac was not mad at him for it. Mac did not call him gay. 

When it’s over, they never talk about it again. But Mac’s a little gentler, a little kinder again. Not all the time, he was still hot-headed as always. But he touches Charlie again. Gentle touches to the back of the arm, occasional arm around the waist, if they ever fall asleep near each other, Charlie gets to hold Mac again.

* * *

 

In their late thirties, things get messy. Really messy. Mac is gay and everyone knows it. All of their friends know it. Mac toes out of the closet and then slams the door on himself. Over and over again.

It hurts Charlie to see Mac in such turmoil, obviously frustrated and scared and alone. The only positive is that nobody suspects that Charlie is gay. Mac is the gay one and Charlie is too un-sexual for anybody to care about his sex life.

Charlie has sex three times more. Once is subpar, he did it out of manipulation, which made him feel dirty. Once was horrible, he wanted it to stop, but it didn’t. Once was fun and no-strings attached and the first time since Mac sex has been even remotely okay.

* * *

 

And then they’re in their forties. They’re old now. And Mac is finally about to step out of the closet. Charlie watches with anticipation. When Mac finally does, Charlie acts as casual about it as possible.  _ Yeah I knew. Always have. _ Doesn’t explain how he knew. Doesn’t give his side of the story. Mac doesn’t acknowledge Charlie’s side either. Charlie lets Dennis group him in with the straight guys, because of course Charlie is straight.

Now that Mac’s out, Charlie should ask him. He wants to ask him. He wants to tell Mac how in love with him he is. But he doesn’t. Mac is in love with Dennis. And that hurts like hell. Especially because Dennis rejects Mac in a thousand different ways. 

When Dennis leaves Philly and then comes back, he comes back seemingly full with hate towards Mac. Charlie wonders if Dennis has the same hate Mac had towards Charlie all those years ago.

Charlie knows better than to ask.

This is the same time Charlie has sex with the waitress. It was better than the other times he had sex. It was with the waitress. He was supposed to love her, but he knew he didn’t. Still, it made him feel like he was finally worth something.

* * *

 

Later that year, the waitress has moved out of his apartment, Franks came back. Things are closer to how they should be. Still, Charlie feels empty. Nobody can tell. Charlie can barely tell. This emptiness is so normal to him, the idea of not feeling empty is almost scarier than living with this emptiness until he dies.

One night, Frank comes home late after failing at helping Charlie with a scheme. Charlie was about to yell at Frank about how the pride parade float was a waste of money without a hot gay guy dancing on it, but Frank was still teary eyed.

Frank tells Charlie about the dance. About Luther. About getting it. About Mac.

And Charlie starts to cry. And for a little while, he and Frank cry together. Frank thinks Charlie is crying out of a rare and intense moment of empathy, the way Frank is crying. Charlie lets Frank believe it. 

Charlie thinks about telling Mac how he feels, but he doesn’t. He is too afraid. If Mac refuses him now, if Mac still does not love him in that way, then it was never about Mac. Charlie just could not measure up and never would. And Charlie could understand that. Mac had always been better than Charlie in every conceivable way. 

He watches Mac fall out of love with Dennis. That is nice to watch. Dennis gets away with being mean less often. Mac does not await Dennis’ instruction before every minuscule movement. Mac seems to hurt a lot less.

Mac starts to date. Charlie stays single. Charlie is the only friend who talks to Mac about his dating life. Partly, Charlie wants to be a good friend. Partly, Charlie needs to hear it. He needs to hear why these men are better than him, what he did wrong. 

He gives Mac advice, as good as he can. He doesn’t know anything about gay men, other than Mac  ~~ and himself ~~ . Still, he tries to give Mac advice. When Mac isn’t happy, Charlie is the first to mention breaking up. Mac goes through a few men that Charlie tells him to break up with. 

Mac always took Charlie’s advice eventually.

* * *

 

Mac being gay and okay with being gay is good for a while. Even though Charlie breaks a little when he hears Mac talk about his boyfriends, another part of him feels good about it. He knows how much Mac needed this for so long, how much Mac deserves it.

It isn’t until Mac finds somebody that actually makes him happy that it really hurts Charlie. Mac meets another guy, Catholic raised, who waited until late adulthood to come out. They both love to work out and are very passionate. They fight all the time, but not with each other. They team up to fight against whatever the enemy of that week is. They have fun together. They love each other.

Charlie can’t deny that. He can’t ever find a reason to give break-up advice.

When Mac’s boyfriend becomes Mac’s fiance, Charlie is enthusiastic. He helps plan the wedding, he is very good at throwing parties. The reception, of course, is at Paddy’s. Charlie performs a song for the couple. He does not choke on stage, but he does cry. Everybody his moved by Charlie’s emotion. When Charlie finishes, he climbs through the vents to his Bad Room. 

The party ends without noticing Charlie’s absence.

Charlie lost Mac many years ago. He could have gotten him back, but he didn’t. Maybe Charlie didn’t try hard enough, or maybe Mac didn’t want to come back to him. Maybe Charlie held too many shadows or the past, was too much of a Night Man for Mac. Maybe Charlie never really had Mac, he had just made it up. Charlie was unsure. 

All Charlie knew was that when he lost Mac, he himself got lost too. Mac found his way back, not to the same place, but to somewhere safe. Charlie, on the other hand, was doomed to wander forever.


End file.
